Moments of realisation

You read about it, you hear about the experiences. But when it happens to you, you realise the journey that gets you there is one tough ride. No, its not a religious enlightenment; spiritual maybe - in a narrow sense - but very much about the core of the being. Its not a new theme for me because I have written before about The Moment, last year in March, here.

Its realising what is the most important thing in life and where the source of the self identity and strength lies. And that the ability to be happy is not dependent on others. I knew that before, and I'm sure lived it to the best of my ability. But somehow that simple... rule... if I have to call it something, went missing from my vision. It wasn't even there in the peripheries. For a year. I know, for I've been keeping track. But I've found it again and am reclaiming it.

The long story short is that it has been a tough year. When I think about how it compared with the first two years since Soeren died, I think then, the framing of the sadness and loss was much "easier" - it related to the loss of the other.  You externalise the source of the emotions. And then after a while, the source of sadness is really from within. It has hit the core, the self-worth. Self-pity in some instances. That is way more difficult to deal with because you need to take responsibility for yourself and that's always a recipe for depression. I don't think I hit rock bottom, but the belly of the huge, dark cauldron was not too far away from where I was suspended.

I just realised when writing this that the topic of how difficult the year has been was a conversation with friends two years ago and I wrote about it here. Today, I would say the score for this year has been closer to 8/9.

I had the good experience of talking to a very smart therapist back in 2010. She made sense and her approach was very logical. She said that the process of grieving would take about two years, before the person is able to, or should, think about one's self again (particularly in cases where one has lost his or her partner). And therapies were intended to help one go through that process. But I think she may have forgotten to mention that when one actually comes to the point where the whole frame of mind has "returned" to the "me", that it could be equally, if not more, challenging. Its like being stripped of the crutches to see if you can stand on your own.

The good thing is that I think my "crutches" period had a lot of wonderful people in it. Like good physiotherapists, they were both gentle and firm. I also know that I haven't fallen because my base ground is solid. There were doubts along the way, serious ones, but having the fortune of a life built with a strong family and some pretty damn smart friends, I know the way out.

I mentioned earlier that I have been keeping track. I do. And that's why I know it's been a journey. I don't look forward to it again but I know that its not a guarantee now that I think I've overcome the current hurdle. I've written separately before, and maybe even elsewhere, that the moment of realisation, when it happens, feels like its just dawned on you, even though you know there was so much work put into the process. And it always helps when a bright spark comes along to tie the whole thing together. That's just what happened over the past few days and I am so grateful to have been able to learn from that experience. A word of wisdom that just made sense. And I will quote my sister in law who said, and I fully appreciate, "that you may know the obvious, but it makes so much sense when the right words are said at the right time, by the right person." The end result is a mix of a light feeling and a heavy one; a relief to a burden; a burden in a relief, the latter because of the things you choose to let go.

This might not make sense to you, the reader. But its more about me publicising it and taking the journey to the outside and for me to realise that it has happened. Its real; its not always pleasant, but its a part of life and dealing with ourselves. Its amazing the amount of things that sits in the head and the pit of your stomach and demand so much attention!

So, good night and good luck!

The couch is not a bad place

Last post for today, in this outburst of sudden want to update. The risk is that it may fall silent again. I, I mean, not it.

The couch in my place, is not a bad place. Especially this season. From my couch, looking out, I see trees. Mango trees, flower trees, palm trees, and others. And what do they host? Birds, but of course. So the trees are flowering and the choir has started again.

Yesterday, from the couch, I had a fantastic view of the Ashy Drongo I saw earlier this year, ok so not the same one, but the last I saw was earlier this year. Perched on the mango tree and kept doing an almost 360deg turn. He was beautiful.

With the flowers means lots of bees. It also means the bee-eaters. A couple of the blue-tailed bee eater has been around, and from what I can tell, having a feast! I notice the amazing routine when they take off and in the initial flight pattern. They have been on the TV aerials and the roof of the school behind my place.

As always, this is not mine, but of the Oriental Bird Club - to show you what I'm talking about. This is a beautiful picture - when I spotted the bee-eaters, the weather was more hazy here so no blue sky. I'm leaving it there for the effects:)

I'm not disloyal to the coppersmith barbet who is a daily companion and is gorgeous but the other two have to be the stars of the day. Though I was getting worried the juvenile black naped oriole (in transition) kept going after the little barbet yesterday, but he's safe.

And again from the couch - the coucal - I can't tell yet whether its the greater or lesser, but it has been flying around.

So, the couch is not a bad place. I' willing to overlook the big and small deficiencies of this place so long as the landlord keeps all the trees and doesn't hunt the birds down. Its a little paradise of its own.

And a rally that might just rile up the government in Malaysia

There is cause for hope - not necessarily to get what we want, but to be able to bring up the issues to the public domain and national agenda, and if possible boot the government out.

For 13 days people have been walking from the east coast town of Kuantan, where a rare earth refining plant is going to start operations - finger up to the Australian Lynas - despite public protest - to take the concerns across the nation. (And I have a particular bone to pick with them: apparently at a meeting of a group from Kuantan with the CEO, it was claimed he said there was no need to hold briefings or explain to the people as they were from the village and wouldn't understand! The nerve!)

Its called the Himpunan Hijau - green gathering - naturally, concerns over the impact on the environment one of the most important issues. With the Barisan Nasional, any decision taken, politically, business or whatever - is suspect. Too many large scale projects have shown themselves to be attempts for local politicians and businessmen to pocket huge and quick bucks, without any regard to the impact to the people, the environment, and need I say, business ethics! If this was an indicator of anything, I would say the BN is a goner. But too many technical and political manipulations still linger that could work in the party's favour, after over 50 years in power.

This is an interview with the organiser, Wong Tack, by MkiniTV. They eventually gathered at Dataran Merdeka after marching for 13 days, where of course the police have put up barricades. SOP. I guess. To hell with them. The crowd was obviously composed and peaceful and chose not to push through. Reports said the rally will be investigated for violating the new Peaceful Assembly Act as they did not inform authorities. Like the PAA is a legitimate piece of law. It can go into the bin where easily another 50-60 laws can go into. Some accounts said up to 10,000 people had converged. It doesn't matter - 100, 1,000, 10,000 - voices need to be heard. 

The pix above is from the February gathering in Kuantan, which really astounded a lot of people.

I'm really missing the action - having missed Bersih 2.0 and Bersih 3.0 in Malaysia and the anti-Lynas movement. But I take heart the fact that the momentum is amazing, the claiming of public spaces is inspiring and the exercise of expression is encouraging.

The opposition parties in the Pakatan Rakyat have said that they support the Himpunan Hijau movement.

Kit Siang's tweet from today: "PR fully support anti-Lynas campaign. Among PR leaders @ DataranMerdeka include PKR Chmn Azizah PR MPs FongKuiLun TeresaKok WongHoLeng ChongChiengJen ErTeckHwa etc
2hours ago"
 
I have a question for them. If they win in the next elections, and particularly in Pahang, what would they do with the Lynas project? If they win, it might be solely on the anti-Lynas sentiment (and of course out of complete disgust of the current Mentri Besar, and that's being kind to him). If they don't do something to reverse the operations, they would be betraying the voters. But if they do, then the company could very well sue the state government for breach of contract - it could cost millions. The PR better have a proper plan in place if they are taking over the state. I don't think the voters should be forced to settle for a compromise in this case.

Having said they, do they have a plan for anything? I'm not sure. They are as unclear as they were four years ago when it comes to overall policy and plan. Not smart.

But the lesson will be, if they screw up, we're having enough practices to rally against bad policies. So, the PR could be the ones having to answer crowds like this in future.

A rally that was...and then wasn't

Was sitting around monitoring the updates from the Pitak Siam rally yesterday - organised by the pro-Royalists (as opposed to the Red Shirts who took the streets in 2010 and led to a crackdown), and thought I should share something here, in this very arid blog of mine:)

Its notable that only few official news updates are in English. I tried not to follow too many of the farangs - I wonder: think if they have so much to complain, what the hell are they doing here? But it is also an indictment of the disconnect between the very "global" nation and people and the lack of information/communication in English. I recall a friend who was living in Bangkok during the 2010 political clash and subsequent crackdown, when she had trouble getting information from local news - because all are in Thai. Depending on foreign stations and sources is an alternative, but live reports should be available in the mass media.  It was more or less the same during the floods in October-November - following the tweets, that some group had started as monitors was useful but nerve wrecking, to say the least. I left for home and worked more peacefully there, but those who lived in the provinces and areas affected, unfortunately suffered what was probably bad management and political screw ups. Anyway, that's another story, though its the same government the protestors were rallying against yesterday at the Royal Plaza.

Anyway, the thing that struck me was, well the fact that the rally organisers (led by Gen. Boonlert Kaewprasit) and supported by those from the People's Alliance for Democracy (yellow shirts) and some other groups that are clearly pro-Royalists, have been at the table to discuss the rally with the government and security agencies, is pretty good - would have been unthinkable in Malaysia. I don't agree with the level of security reaction yesterday morning - use of tear gas against the protestors heading to the dedicated rally site - but this is political expression. I also don't agree with their cause, by the way. In case you were wondering.

There will of course be debates about the motives - provoking for another coup? The fact that the military was reluctant on invoking the Internal Security Act that the police recommended (former aligned with monarchy) is one issue; the fact that there is no clear political objective is another; and the fact that the red government of Yingluck has also overreacted is yet another testimony to the weak administration in place. The government has demonstrated that it is a puppet government of Thaksin Shinawatra, whose sister is the Prime Minister. Ruling from Dubai, is the popular belief, and the red shirt supporters believe that is the way it should be since Thaksin was wronged by the 2006 military coup. Oh, did I mention the site of the rally is probably just 2.5km from where I stay - in Dusit? Its one of the 3 areas under the ISA for 10 days. I hope they revoke the order since the less than 20,000 people who eventually turned up led the organiser to call off the rally at 5.30pm.   

The fact is politics is divided here, and so are the other institutions - academic, the media, civil society. But where is it not? I read a comment on the twitter roll that politics and democracy in Asia will never be like the West? Why does he think people want to be like in the West? Yes, there are many systems and policies to support democratic institutions that are clearly lacking in countries in Asia, but Europe and the US are also facing some serious problems and challenges. Too many to cite as comparisons, but suffice to say that while it seems like there is no end to the colour politics here in Thailand, political expression is there, albeit with some challenges. That is far more than what many other citizens of other countries can enjoy. Unpacking the political crisis requires the dismantling of a number of institutions that prevent a more equitable society, but that's a choice of the people to make.

Things seem to be calm, except for the ongoing debtate in Parliament to censure the Prime Minister and several other ministers. It goes on. This piece in the Bangkok Post sums up quite well the state things are in and in a way responding to the point about democracy not working in Asia.