How difficult was the year

Writing Christmas cards was difficult this time. After the first line, there had to be long pauses to take care of the emotions that literally poured with the words. And the words were: “What a year it has been...exactly a year ago, Soeren and I left Malaysia to move to Denmark.” Verbalising feelings and emotions are difficult and I struggle to give them meaning. Anyway, a few of us friends were asked a few nights ago how we would describe the year in terms of difficulty, rating it anywhere from 1 to 10 (10 being the most difficult). That's the theme for the post – difficult.

One friend said I would certainly say difficult, for what has happened. Was it, I thought? The 9 months since Soeren's funeral has been a time for me to think and reflect. A lot. To the point I'm philosophising about everything. Someone's going to say shut up sooner or later. Back to the score of difficulty.

Was it a difficult year? It was definitely a sad year, the emotional experience has been rather intense. There is feeling of loss, in a different way than I've experienced before. As I told my friends, there's that churning in the gut that I think is what people refer to or experience as, emptiness. The physical manifestation of sadness is not to be underrated. The tightness in the chest. The gulp in the throat especially when you're about to cry. The feeling of being caught off guard when the tears sneak up from nowhere when you read, listen, say something familiar. So, yes, its been difficult. But that is sadness. And I need to turn it over on its head because its a good thing for me, me who often find it difficult (here's the word again) to express pain and sadness.

But there are so many things to be grateful for. As there should be on a daily basis:) There are family and friends to be thankful for. Those who know how to help you get to the core of your state and get through the experiences; those who are just there being themselves because that's how you love them anyway; those who create opportunities for you to expend your adrenaline and anger; those who genuinely care; those you have a good time with. Often many do not know how they have been supportive. Its these people who Soeren spent his last year saying thank you to. One can only learn from that. Clearly he was able to do that because he accepted his circumstances and used the time he had to gather good vibes for himself.

And in that way it was easy. He made it easy for people to support and help him. I realise how much better life is when you're not in a denial. Its not about accepting “fate” as it is but taking the reality of the situation and steering it in the direction that you want to as much as you can. Even in the most traumatic, life-ending experiences when nothing really makes sense, you can still choose for it to be meaningful.

I know my mother's theme in the last years of her life was detachment. She expressed it in ways that took me some time to understand but I eventually did. I recently found a book she had been reading but didn't complete, and saw also the train of thought she might have had reading the book. I'm planning to explore that much more at a later stage but it was clear with the interpretations of the soul, attachment and detachment, how it possibly played a part in her spiritual journey. My last conversation, in the form of an argument, was a way for her to detach from the world, maybe she knew it was her last day alive. My last conversation with Soeren was about detachment, with him picking my brains on how to interpret it and what it meant. I'm not sure I know fully well what it means, but I have an idea of it, and tend to accept its basic principle. Maybe that's another reason for not immediately saying 10 on the score of difficulty.

But we agreed over a very nice dinner, my friends and I, that each person would relate to the word difficult, differently. We all have our own tolerance for pain and sadness. The numbers will not mean anything to anyone but ourselves.

My score was 6. The loss can be unbearable but the flipsides are not to be, and should not be ignored. I refuse to have it on the lower side of 5, maybe because that would mean I have lost some control over the situation. And I don't think I have.